What to do on a Bad Day: Flares & Chronic Illness
A flare is a period of increased disease activity or worsening symptoms – a time when the medications you normally rely on to control your disease don't seem to work.
A flare can be disorienting, you wake up in a state where your mental and physical state are dramatically altered. I used to think it was impossible to have a good day when in a flare. I’ve learned over the years though, that by applying certain strategies, I can eliminate some of the suffering that I mentally impose on myself.
When dealing with a flare, I often think to treat my physical ailments first - take my medication, drink water, lie down, put on my splints. I’ve realized though that something equally important is treating my spirit and heart. You’re in pain and you could feel disheartened or discouraged. It’s normal to even turn your frustration inwards, and feel strong negative emotions like shame or anger towards yourself.
Step 1: Notice & Name your Feelings
The first step is to acknowledge your feelings. You can’t process what you suppress. Acknowledge your feelings and thank them for what they’ve shown you.
On days when I’m having trouble accepting the feelings that present themselves, I turn to this poem by Rumi: The Guest House.
Step 2: Self Compassion
It may sound cheesy, but the second step is to shower yourself with self-compassion. Self-compassion is the only way to heal your heart on a bad day.
Gabor Mate, in his book “When the Body Says No” explains that people mirror their illness and often attack themselves psychically, just as the body attacks itself in auto-immune responses.
Societal pressures can also lead you to blame yourself. Wellness culture promotes the idea that if you just find the right vitamin or diet, you can “cure” yourself. This “pull-yourself-up-by-your-boot-straps” mentality individualizes the “problem” of illness and sickness. Instead of accessibility and accommodation being seen as a community’s responsibility, the medical system puts the onus on individuals.
Provide yourself with kindness, patience and care at each problem you face. Expect problems, there will always be problems on a flare day.
Here are some practical ways I use self-compassion on a Bad Day:
No Name Calling - When I’m in a bad mood, I find myself in a spin of negative thoughts. My rule is if I wouldn’t say it to a friend, I shouldn’t say it to myself. Beating yourself up for ended up in a flare is not productive or helpful.
Give yourself what you need, not what you think you “should” do - When you find yourself saying you “should” be doing something, that’s a sign you should not do it. It’s your ego imposing expectations that might not be reasonable. Access your energy, and conserve it accordingly. I use this model for energy conversation.
Forgive yourself for changing plans. Do you need to sleep? Call in sick for work? Forgive yourself for doing whatever it is you need to do to take care of yourself when in a flare.
Step 3: Move on.
This is the hardest step, I have trouble going to sleep when I haven’t completed my task list for the day. Something that has helped me is an affirmation from the book Simple Abundance: A Daybook Of Comfort & Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach. In the morning you say out loud, to no one in particular, “May this morning be good for me and mine.” Then in the afternoon, you say, “May this afternoon be good for me and mine.” And finally, you guessed it, in the evening, you say “May this evening be good for me and mine.” This simple affirmation gives you the opportunity to hope that what’s next might be good.
This affirmation also breaks up my day. I’m reminded that each morning, afternoon and evening is a new opportunity and that while this day will never come again, a new day comes and with it a new experience.
Lessons we Take with Us
Every bad day you get through makes you a little stronger. Every bad day you get through is one more reminder that you can get through the next bad day.
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